Time
by Lizwontcry
Summary: The thing about life is, if it were any different, it wouldn't be the same. Sara ponders the toll Time has taken on her life with Grissom, and then decides to do something about it. Slightly spoilery for season 9 if you don't know anything about it.


**A/N - This was brought on by two things--my own anxiousness towards my high school reunion, and watching The GSR Retrospective (you can find it on youtube)**** 724 times. It's a nice little video that CBS put on their website about a week ago. Again, if you don't know ANYTHING about season 9, it's a little spoilery. No beta, enjoy, feedback is love.**

The thing about life is, if it were any different, it wouldn't be the same.

That was the thought Sara frequently had when she thought about her relationship with Gil Grissom. It was a simple thought; one that didn't take too long to understand. But it was something she would think about when she started having one of those existential crises again. It was something to think about when she heard that inevitable ticking clock in her mind, the one that would casually whisper, "You're getting older. Your window of opportunity is getting ready to close. You better hurry!"

It all started at her 10 year high school reunion, which she went to only because one of her foster brothers she still kept in contact with convinced her to go with him. Everyone at the reunion seemed happy and fine with their lives; in no hurry to better themselves or their career. She was on a constant journey to do both. Most of them were also already married and having kids with an alarming frequency. She knew this ultimate goal in her life was far away, but still started wondering if maybe she should hurry it along. She was able to shake it off at the reunion, but the thought kept coming back, and time eventually became Sara Sidle's enemy.

The ticking clock was not happy when she made the decision to go to San Francisco for an undetermined length of time. She just needed to get away, she told herself. She had to bury her ghosts so she could come back to Grissom and be the woman he fell in love with. The ticking clock in her head, the voice that was always telling her to hurry up, somehow failed to tell her that Gil fell in love with the woman she was, not the woman she could be. He wanted her, flaws and all. This realization did happen, but it took much longer than it should. She blamed her always suffering self-esteem.

Sara sometimes found herself wishing she met Grissom earlier in life. Sometimes she wished he was younger, maybe the same age as her. Or sometimes she wished they were high school sweethearts; that they fell in love when she was a freshman and he was a senior, so they could build their lives together piece by piece. They could go through each other's struggles through starting a life after college, encourage each other when they blew another job interview. She sometimes wished that they could celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary together, holding hands and gazing at the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead, she was almost 36, Grissom was almost 51, and most of their life choices had already been made.

But when she came back to him after the death of her friend and co-worker Warrick Brown, who was the same reason why she came to Vegas in the first place, she made peace with time. It seemed like time was always her enemy. Time was what her mom got for murdering her father--10 years of it in prison. Time was the 6 years she spent in foster homes and group homes and wherever else the system placed her. Time was what it took for Gil Grissom to finally get his head out of his ass and ask her on a date. Time was what she spent with her mother in San Francisco, talking for hours, trying to understand and know each other again. But time is also what it took for her to come back home to Grissom. Even if they didn't have 40 more years together, even if their choices were already made, they could still fight through it together. And that was more than enough for Sara.

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She came back to Vegas as soon as she heard about Warrick. It was actually Nicky who called to tell her about what happened. He said, through tears, that Grissom was a mess and it would be good for her to come back as soon as possible. As soon as she hung up, she booked a flight online, packed a bag, told her mother good-bye, and got out of California.

He was happy to see her. When he hugged her, he wanted it to last. He clung to her like she would disappear if he let go. They cried together, right there in his office. And when he finally did let go, she found Catherine, Nick and Greg and hugged them for a long, long time. None of them knew what to say, but nothing needed to be said. They were mourning the loss of their troubled friend.

At home, after Hank calmed down and stopped happily drooling on her, Sara and Gil went to bed. She rested her head on his chest. He talked about Warrick, the rock of his team. He held her hand while he talked about how relieved he was when he able to clear Warrick of Lou Gedda's murder, and how terrified he was when he was holding Warrick's bloody, lifeless body. He talked about how he was getting older, and how he wasn't sure if he could take any more tragedy. And it seemed as though, with Sara back and Warrick's death so much on his mind, he wanted to open up. Grissom talked about his feelings so little, that when it actually did happen, he really let it all out.

"It's Nicky being buried alive," he told Sara. "It's Brass getting shot. It's Greg first being almost blown to pieces, and then being so badly beaten. It's you and Natalie and the Mustang...I don't think I can handle it anymore. It's too much."

She thought about that. For some reason, it made her think about being behind the glass in an interrogation room four years earlier, watching him tell a murder suspect that he was offered a second chance from a younger woman, and how he wasn't able to risk it all.

"Griss...remember Vincent Lurie?"

His grip on her hand tightened.

"I do. I have nightmares about him every couple of months. What he did to that nurse...it still haunts me."

"You knew I was behind the glass that day, didn't you?" She wanted to know. She had to know. For four years she wanted to ask him that question. Maybe it wasn't the right time, but there probably never would be a right time.

He turned his head to look at her. He had beautiful eyes. His baby blues were one of the things that intrigued her the most at the Forensics Academy Conference so many years ago. So much time had gone by since then, but those blue eyes never faded.

"I had a feeling," he admitted. "I knew you were interested in the case and wanted to see Lurie go down."

"I still remember every word you said to him," she said softly. "And I never understood why you could never say them to me."

Grissom sighed. "I was so tired. I spent 3 shifts chasing him down, and then we couldn't pin it on him. I was frustrated and exhausted, and it just all came out."

"But the things you said..."

He was quiet for a moment, and kissed her gently before speaking again.

"I'm an old man, Sara. Maybe not as much in age, but in life. I've seen so much--too much. I know how life ends for a lot of people, and it isn't pleasant. For a long time, I figured that I didn't need anyone. I convinced myself that no one out there wanted someone with as much bitterness as I have in my soul. But you came along and you saw past that, and it scared me."

"Are you still scared?"

"Absolutely," he said. "I'm scared you're going to realize how old and used up I am and leave forever."

She propped herself up on her elbow and looked at him, really looked at him. He didn't turn away.

"Gil, I've been thinking about it. I've been thinking about time and how much we have left, and how much of it we've left behind. We've both had our share of tragedies. Let me do something that you were so afraid of back then--let me take you away from this. Let me give you a second chance. Let's get out of here. We can go to the rainforests. I'll get you a first edition of Moby Dick. Let's spend our time before we forget it exists."

He wanted to say something, but she continued before he could.

"No more death. No more murder. No more touching anyone with your latex gloves. Let's give time the finger and live it out the way we want to. Let's turn over the hourglass and restart it."

He was quiet. She looked at him impatiently.

"Are you done?" He asked, smiling ever so slightly.

"I'm finished," she said, nervously waiting for his reply.

"Let's do it," he said, echoing her answer to when he proposed to her. "It'll take me a month or so do tie everything up here, say goodbye to the team...but let's do it. Let's not let time take control over our lives anymore. You're right. I already let it get in the way of being with you, and I don't want to have any more regrets."

Soon they would finally get married. They would move somewhere far from Las Vegas. They would buy a house. They would have a daughter named Olivia, and they'd teach her to play baseball and introduce her to the joys of listening to the Ramones. But in the present, while they were still grieving their co-worker and friend, they turned off the light and drifted to sleep in each other's arms.

It didn't matter where they went. It didn't matter that time would find them wherever they were. What mattered is that they would be together, in their second chance. And Sara knew the passing of time would never trump that.


End file.
